#3: Let's Choose a New Religion! (QUIZ)
A New Year's Holiday Special!!!
Welcome to edition #3 of Hot Girl Gothic. If you missed edition #2, the one about hamster death, check back in your email (spam and promotions 2!) and add me to your contact list, or click here. Tell a friend! xoxoxo.
Hey there, holiday kings (;
Welcome to our 2021 Hot Girl Gothic New Year’s Special. You might say, hey! It’s January 28th! But here at HGG, we believe that all time is happening at once— when that concept is convenient for us.
Pictured: me
Yep, this newsletter has survived into another YEAR! Have I? Oh, I’ve only grown more multitudinous, if you ever thought that was possible. 2021 has already begun to introduce a whole new cast of obsessions and neuroses to me and baby, it was love at first manic episode. 💋
I am the Ghost of Christmas Present
On December 13, 2020, I flew to Grand Saline, Texas to isolate in a cabin on the farm where my father resides.
And if our God is for us??????? Then who could ever stop us??????? vibes
I could say COVID-19 was the sole reason I sequestered myself, but that is simply untrue. I always isolate in this cabin away from my father’s house because he stresses! me! out!!
Anyway, ten days and three deeply sensual COVID tests later, I was free to see my father. It went as well as it always has, which is to say that I spent hours sobbing alone in his Ford F150 about alcoholism, mortality (his, mine, everyone’s), and whether or not I can be a good daughter without re-traumatizing myself over and over.
“A honey butter chicken biscuit, a Dr. Pepper w/ extra styrofoam, and a side of shame, please”
Picture it with me now:
A completely silent winter midnight in rural East Texas.
A camouflage golf cart in the center of an 100 acre wood (like Winnie the Pooh).
Me, red shirt, no pants (like Winnie the Pooh).
Okay that part is not true. Instead:
Me, fully clothed, screaming at the trees to give me more time to fix things before Death takes over.
That part is very true. How embarrassing! It actually makes me more ridiculous than if I were just going full Winnie the Pooh OOTD in the middle of the woods.
Me writing yet another fucking newsletter about death
It makes me ridiculous because I cannot stop death, and Lorde knows I cannot fix my family. Not only that, what have I ever successfully fixed? I am Entropy Magazine’s sexy centerfold every month. I engender ruin. I attract atrophy. When I was two years old, I crushed a baby turtle in my fist. My sweet, blonde mother handed her only daughter a baby turtle and I squeezed the life out of it instantly. I don’t have enough brainpower to waste any of it trying to conquer Death itself!
A boy recently asked me why I felt that I was in charge of my father’s mortality. That made me litch-ra-lee cry because 1. I didn’t know. 2. That was a pretty wise question? but mostly 3. I accidentally listened to a boy :(
I’m back in NYC now, and as January is already slipping out of my thoughtfully moisturized clutches, I find myself thinking ahead to this year’s holiday season. I can’t stomach being a part of the same bucolic horror story every year when I go home. I think I would eventually combust in that Whataburger parking lot.
I know this is not a plight felt only by me. It is a truth universally acknowledged that hot girls generally have questionable relationships with their families.
I want us to do better. But we cannot stop death! Nor can we fix our families, nor our broken lil minds. Like my boy said, who put us in charge of all that anyway? We aren’t in charge. But you know what we… could do? To upgrade our holiday celebrations?
Switch what holiday we celebrate.
Today, I’m gonna help you find the winter holiday that fits YOU! Holidays are tough. We don’t need to add the stress of trying to conform to a holiday that doesn’t suit your strengths. Let’s take 2021 into our own hands and control what we can! And this way, we have the whole year to prepare.
Check off the items on each list that apply to you. Go full Tiger Beat magazine and tally them up in your head or notes app as you go. Send this to a hot, traumatized friend and do it together!
This 2021, your family might be falling apart, but you will certainly be acing your chosen holiday doctrine. We start with:
A holiday that celebrates the birth of the messiah Jesus Christ, born in a manger to people named Joseph and Mary in a random airbnb. To people who celebrate this holiday, he is the Son of God so this was huge for the program.
You could be good at Classic Christmas if…
You love a rustic cabin getaway.
You’re not afraid of a little controversy!
You’re a connoisseur of the classics. Hitchcock, cow’s milk, missionary.
You have a lot of… guy friends :) You love how they’re like, no drama :)
You want to humble yourself before an omniscient, omnipresent god.
You really like ‘Target’.
This holiday also celebrates the birth of the messiah Jesus Christ, but additionally acknowledges other stories from the Book of Mormon, including the Nephites immigrating from the Middle East to America in 600 B.C. Also, the vibes are just different.
You could shine at Mormon Christmas celebrations if…
You love a strapping young man ;)
You know what ‘Pentatonix’ is.
At any given moment, you believe that you could get really into hiking.
You’ve let a white man occupy your mind and you loved it, you whore!
You want to be softly held.
You have a thing for blondes!
Hanukkah is a Jewish festival that lasts for eight days and nights. It celebrates the rededication of the Temple in 165 B.C. by the Maccabees after it was fucked up by the Syrians.
Hanukkah might be a good choice for you if…
You love candles.
You never want the party to end.
You listen to “hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have – but I have it” by Lana Del Rey. You relate.
You eat a lot of carbs.
You were the hottest bitch at summer camp.
You have a bald spot and you wanna cover it.
Jehovah’s witnesses do not traditionally celebrate holidays, as they believe they detract from Jesus’ teachings and are usually from pagan origins.
Jehovah’s Witness Winter might be the vibe for you if…
You’re not a partier.
You don’t like crowds.
You don’t like gifts.
You don’t like the cold.
Your friends and family piss you off.
You’ve got a really good TV show you need to watch, instead.
Winter Solstice is the pagan celebration of the longest night of the year in late December. Historically, this was very important for ancient people because it meant the sun was gonna come back soon and they wouldn’t #starve and #die! It’s still celebrated all over the world by many different cultures.
You might love celebrating the Winter Solstice if…
You’re vegan except when you’re drunk.
You studied abroad once and it changed your life, like completely. Like, actually, like I know that’s a stereotype, but like, truly, for you, it’s real.
You love World Market.
You’ve watched ‘Portlandia’ and thought, ‘Wow… they get it…’
You say that you’re spiritual, not religious. You couldn’t explain what that means!
You fuck with Stonehenge.
If you resonated with four or more things under a holiday, you absolutely have to celebrate it this year! If you resonated with two or more things under a holiday, you have to kiss someone who celebrates it :)
Which holiday did you match with the most? Let me know.
Me, young, starting my own holiday tradition (suffering).
Okay, I don’t know how to make the holidays, new or otherwise, better for us. But the holidays are 11 months away, baby kween! Here is my proposal: if we fill the next 11 months with as much CHAOS and raw EMBARRASSMENT and as many crushes as we CAN, then we might have enough material to distract us by the next time we find ourselves screaming at trees. That, we are in charge of. We can’t fix our lives. But we can reverently destroy them.
As for my father, I talked to him today and he is in great health. Me: 1, death: 0.
xoxo Maison
“I’ve never met a boy that I didn’t wanna kill because I’ve never met a boy that I didn’t wanna kiss.” -Cecily Hill
Wow, me, a Mormon Christmas! Gonna kick back, drink some soda from my local fountain, and celebrate Christmas with my 7 brothers and 6 sisters!
As a vegetarian of nine years who drank a bottle of wine and then ate a beef taco on Saturday night, I'll be embracing this year's Winter Solstice with open arms :)