#5: A Very Hot Girl Gothic Refresher

Rededicate your life! To me. To us.

Welcome to edition #5 of Hot Girl Gothic. If you missed edition #4, the one about little blue towels, check back in your email (spam and promotions too!) and mark it as important, or click here. Tell a friend! xoxoxo.

Welcome back.

HGG Proverb #1: Leave whomever and whenever you can, at any cost. Even if it’s just for fun.

I know it’s been a long time, but I’ve just been so busy! I frolic; I languish; I waste away in the Rite-Aid next to the 19th-century inn I inhabit. Sometimes I even go on a train. Once, I fell in love. The Rite-Aid plays Bruno Mars!

I don’t mean to brag about my newfound quality of life. I’m sure my absence has not been easy for you. We all feel better when we can adhere to a doctrine, and I’ve left you without one, rudderless and wayward!

Yet I am confident you have been able to find chaos even in my absence. Just as I, despite living next to a Rite-Aid as I have always dreamt, must sleep in a lace tent because I am so afraid of my 19th-century bugs. Maybe one day I will see a roach in a little lace bonnet. But I really hope not!

Anyway, whether you’ve been joyfully consumptive (as I oft am) or woefully obsessive (oh no me too), it’s clear that all of us need to get back on track. And I’m going to be there for you this time.

Now, before we jump back in, let’s center ourselves in the sacred text.

The Hot Girl Gothic Doctrine

The terms ‘hot’ and ‘goth’ were first discovered upon meditating on the cycle of a party. 

The purest form of hot is what brings you to the party, and keeps you there. It is an active, uninhibited pursuit of one’s needs by way of other people. Because other people are central to being hot, it is often messy, embarrassing, sexy, stressful, and exhilarating, as putting your needs in other people always is. 

When identifying if something is hot, you might ask yourself:

Is it performance?

Is it connective?

Is it urgent?

Is it energetic?

Is it indulgent?

Death?

The purest form of goth is what takes you away from the party, back into your own world. It is an active, isolated retreat from chaos, seeking order by way of oneself. Goth can feel peaceful, clean, and magical. It can also feel nihilistic, dark, and lonely.

When identifying if something is goth, you could ask:

Is it clean?

Is it biting?

Is it quiet?

Are you alone?

Is God’s absence or presence notable?

Death?

Hot Girl Gothic is a re-imagination of balance, rooted in the thought that a life fully lived is constantly cycling through hot and goth stages. If one person stays too long in either humor, they will overdose on it and die. A life that is truly Hot Girl Gothic is constantly moving, an experiment that never ends or reaches a conclusion. One must know when to go to the party, and one must know when to leave. Neither can last; nothing can last.

HGG Proverb #2: Despite our fear of it, our self-destructive behaviors reveal that we all secretly crave death. ex: Ted Cruz in a Brandy Melville.

What is The Party?

The cycle of Hot Girl Gothic is easiest to conceive when thinking about an actual party, like a house party. You start in a goth stage; perhaps finding yourself at the end of a monotonous, grueling workweek. Informed by this, you make the hot decision to go to a party. This hot need for chaos, for people, for drama, brings you to the party. Then, once you’ve overexerted and embarrassed yourself, a goth need for control and quietude brings you home again.

But The Party isn’t always a literal party. In the largest sense, it’s life! There is nothing more goth than nothingness, the time before you are born and after you die. While you are alive, to balance out all the goth nothingness of eternity, you must make yourself known. That’s hot.

In the smallest sense, The Party could be a conversation. You’re speaking to a group of people you admire. You’re excited, so you speak up. Your joke doesn’t land so you shut up. You feel regretful that you’ve excluded yourself so you try again. Hot→Goth→Hot. Forever and ever amen.

HGG Proverb #3: Religions are just like party friends. They’re a great distraction from death, but they lose their power in daylight.

A Story Example

I was having a peaceful few weeks, reading various books in various nightgowns on my balcony alone (goth). Suddenly, my father calls and he is obviously drunk, though it is 8 am (goth). This upsets me, and I stay awake for many nights fearing his death without resolution of his illness (goth). I try to make it okay in my head (goth). I start to feel very sick, too close to death, and too removed from any sense of worldliness (goth).

To counteract this goth overdose, my mind starts to fixate on things to distract itself (hot). The next afternoon, I spend three hours listening to Electra Heart by Marina and the Diamonds and looking for something slutty to wear at Brandy Melville (hot). I go to a party late that night, get belligerently drunk, and scream at everyone I see that I admire them (hot). I try to fall in love with every person that passes me, they all reject me, and I start scream-crying at a man I hate (hot). My friends and I giggle, cut up a fish, and leave it in the vents of that man’s room (hot). I sleep on one of their couches and wake up, my skin sticky with alcohol and sweat (hot).

I go home, an overdose of hot fresh in my system, vomit, feel disgusting, and ghost everyone I spoke to that night (goth). I decide to have a peaceful few weeks, reading various books in various nightgowns (goth).

HGG Proverb #4: Drug-like trances are a huge win. But you can’t stay in one forever.

So, right now, are you feeling hot or goth?

If you are wanting to begin a Hot Cycle, you should:

Make huge, sweeping statements about your life and believe them: “Every one of my friend’s boyfriends is in love with me!”, “I am more popular than I have ever been!”. These inflated statements will eventually make you feel sick under their pressure but they can’t hurt you now.

Parties!!!! Go to parties!!!! You are a PARTY GIRL. That’s who you ARE! Watch Ke$ha music videos! Smear your makeup, tear your clothes, fall in the MUD!

Post on Instagram as much as you can. Tell them everything. They love you. They could love you.

Say yes to EVERY plan that is presented to you. Even if it’s boring. You’ll find a way to make it toxic. Plus, someone there could know someone who owns a warehouse in Bushwick.

Honor abundance at every turn. Douse yourself in Bath and Body Works body mist in WINTER CANDY APPLE. Eat two candy bars in a row. Take everything offered to you. You deserve it all.

HGG Proverb #761: If Nancy Pelosi approaches and tries to tell you something, and she will, don’t listen. But if she is leading you somewhere, go.

If you are wanting to begin a Goth Cycle, may I suggest:

GHOST! GHOST! GHOST EVERYONE! They will only hurt you and in fact, you don’t even like them!!

Invest a large amount of money into loungewear. As you buy it, say “this will make me feel clean.”

When one of your friends asks for updates on your crushes, say “It’s over. I actually hate them now.” Mean it.

Do NOT respond to or open TikToks that people send you. It is disrespectful to send anyone an internet video expecting them to watch it. You will not be watching them. Set a precedent now.

Buy a long novel and read it only in the same cafe, restaurant, or tea shop. I call this Destination Reading. It helps with the immersion!

Buy melatonin for when the death thoughts come in the night.

Be overly restrictive about something: food, relationships, exercise, etc. You’ll be hot again by the time you would develop a disorder so it’s fine. It won’t last. Probably.

HGG Proverb #5: Ultimately, quietude doesn’t want you. It’s beautifully neutral. But, for better and for worse, the party is never neutral. It always wants you.

I really am glad to have you back. It’s been an exhausting week. My dad keeps calling me drunk at 2 am. All my nightgowns are dirty. I think I’d like to go to a party.

See you next week.

xo Maison